Losing JOY....

So, this is really just a way for me to get my thoughts together. The last week has been one of great difficulty, and it seem that it is easier for me to BLOG or facebook so that I don't actually have to engage people. Normally I run to people, but this week I have wanted nothing to do with people. I have experienced a miscarriage this last week and my heart seems to be broken. I feel as if I have lost JOY, empty and sad. I know that these things happen everyday and yet it still sucks. I had a bladder/kidney infection along with the miscarriage so it was really the perfect storm, a little bit of everything. Today is the first day that physically I feel well enough to get out of bed, but I don't really want to get out of bed, but I do anyway. Today is also the first day that my head feels clear enough to deal with my real feelings-whatever they are. Have I really lost my JOY- no because I can look outside this moment and see all that I have to be thankful for...that is the ironic thing about grief that if we are grieving it has nothing to do with the "blessings." Grief and pain are OK and often necessary in healing. For the few weeks that I was pregnant with my third child, I was so full of JOY and excitement, it seemed as if it was the perfect time for our family. The Girls had been praying for a new baby and the Lord was faithful to answer their prayers, I think back now and it seemed to perfect. When Leroy told them what had happened, he reminded them that the Lord had answered their prayers and that this was just not the right time but they still could have faith for the things unseen. The girls have been so amazing and tender with me, grace has been the only thing that covered the really sad moments for me, Elisha has such great faith, it really cuts to the heart, she see and understands things of the Lord that I will never. Johanna has said lots of random "Mom- I just love yous" and talks so confidently of the future. So again I am at a place when I can reject the JOY OF THE LORD, or I can refocus. I am not really sure what this looks like, or how I will mend, but what I am choosing to do today is reclaim JOY, and Let the Lord heal my heart and rest in his grace, cry and grieve....